We have been trying to get pregnant for 8 months now. It's been hard, watching family, friends and it seems like everyone else get pregnant. I realize it's only been 8 months. But when you had a big oops baby, you would expect a 2 to be like those people where "they did their laundry and got a baby" Ugh, right now...i hate that story. For a week I knew I was pregnant. Before I took the test I knew all the signs and we were getting so pumped up and so excited! I finally couldn't hold out any longer and took a test. Man oh man was it a positive! James and I were over the moon excited! I cried, we literally jumped for joy! I couldn't sleep most of the night because of my excitement!!! I woke up feeling sick, having just had crazy CRAZY dreams (so excited, cause I knew it was the pregnancy talking), then I got really bad cramps and there it all went. All that excitement, all that relief of finally... all washed away in an instant.
I had to babysit yesterday. I was numb till that little boy went home. I walked up to my room, crawled into bed and sobbed, sobbed for a very very long time. I'm grateful to an understanding mother and a very, VERY good friend who had dinner delivered to my family from over 800 miles away (THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU).
I have this sign up in my room "Come what may and love it" I'm about to burn that sign. I can't help but thinking...am I a bad mom who doesn't deserve another kid...did I screw it up already? Why would this happen to us, how does this happen to people who want something so bad? Then I thought, well, life has been pretty dang easy for us so far, maybe this is our trial. I'm pretty sure I have already failed it with all the horrible thoughts I have been having though.
But my very, VERY good friend did remind me that my poppy seed and her grape were probably best friends in Heaven right now. That made me happy to hear.
I started to read the BOM a few days ago, it's been a big help, and even though I'm not ok with what happened, it's weird to know that everything is going to work out and I'm going to be ok with that.
I am happy and grateful for the things I do have now
- a loving husband and great father to my child
- the perfect child...seriously...he really is perfect
- friends who know what I need and how to help me, even from oh so far away
- a mom who i cant wait to give major hugs to next month
one day, maybe I'll have another perfect child to be grateful for, but I'm sure poppy seed is perfect and that is good enough for me.
15 comments:
Ah, crap.
That's all i can think to say.
I hate this!! I am so, so, so sorry!!! Know that I mean it, with every part of me.
im so sorry! I cant imagine what you're feeling..i'm here if you wanna talk or not talk :) Britt
ps-you are a wonderful mom! Brady and future Low babies are lucky kiddos:)
I know exactly how you feel. How nice it will be to have James around for a couple of weeks, that will help! Timmy left on business for a week when this happened to us. Nothing about it is fun. I think of you often. We should meet up in Nauvoo in the Spring. I mean it.
i am so sorry erin, i was actually thinking about you today. please let me know if you ever need anything, i am a really good listener. and like brittany you are an AMAZING mother!!!!
I am so sorry.
Oh no. I'm so, so sorry, Erin. I can't imagine what you're feeling. You're a great mom and you will have the opportunity to have more babies, I'm sure. You probably don't want to hear this but know that everything happens for a reason. Heavenly Father knows what's best for us and maybe, for a reason you can't understand, that poppy seed just wasn't meant to be. I hope you're doing okay. If you need anything, let me know.
Erin-I'm glad you shared this. I'm really sorry for your guys' loss. You are such a great Mom-everytime I look at your blog you're doing tons of awesome things with Brady! I hope you don't blame yourself because I think everyone would agree that you are a great person-with so much love to give. Take care! I'll keep you in my prayers.
Erin, I don't even know what to say other than I am so sorry. We love you guys and you are amazing parents. I am here if you need anything! I am just a phone call away. I am glad you have such a great extended family to help you as well. Let us know if you need anything!
Thanks for sharing. It's hard to loose a baby. Even a poppy seed. We need to talk, I feel like I'm in the same boat. We'll be in our prayers.
This post makes me sad, but what you said at the very end... "I'm not ok with what happened, it's weird to know that everything is going to work out and I'm going to be ok with that." Is a powerful statement. remind yourself this everyday and this too shall pass! You are a brave strong girl Erin.. You can do this & you will get through this tough spot in your life. I am so sorry....
I feel like I need to say something, but I just don't know what I can say. As I read your post my heart just ached for you.... my sister had a miscarriage a few months ago and it was really tough for our family since she was the first to get pregnant. But as you know, Heavenly Father has different plans sometimes.
I will keep you guys in my prayers. Hope you feel better soon!
I'm sorry Erin! That stinks. And thank you for talking about it. You help others more than you know by opening up. And I personally think you are an awesome mom...so that ain't it. :) Sending prayers your way. Hang in there.
You do have one perfect child :) And that perfect child will have plenty of perfect siblings. Such a relief to have the Gospel huh? And how good it is that you have a perfect child, perfect husband, and perfect mother. I love you more than you know!! We're praying night and day for you guys.
Erin-
So sorry to hear about this. I totally know what you are going through and you are definitely not the only one who has "THOSE" thoughts going through your head. After miscarrying over 2 years ago now and trying since then, I think I am finally coming to terms with just LOVING my Noah all I can right now. Who knows what the future may bring, but for now I am enjoying every minute (well, almost every minute ;-) with the little guy we were blessed with. You are a great mom and I'm sure there are more little poppy seeds to be had for you....hang in there!
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