My Poppy Seed

I am thankful for automatic blogging. The one where you can pre-post for up to weeks, when everything else is going down the crapper, but you can have posts that make it seem like you have it all together.

We have been trying to get pregnant for 8 months now. It's been hard, watching family, friends and it seems like everyone else get pregnant. I realize it's only been 8 months. But when you had a big oops baby, you would expect a 2 to be like those people where "they did their laundry and got a baby" Ugh, right now...i hate that story. For a week I knew I was pregnant. Before I took the test I knew all the signs and we were getting so pumped up and so excited! I finally couldn't hold out any longer and took a test. Man oh man was it a positive! James and I were over the moon excited! I cried, we literally jumped for joy! I couldn't sleep most of the night because of my excitement!!! I woke up feeling sick, having just had crazy CRAZY dreams (so excited, cause I knew it was the pregnancy talking), then I got really bad cramps and there it all went. All that excitement, all that relief of finally... all washed away in an instant.

I had to babysit yesterday. I was numb till that little boy went home. I walked up to my room, crawled into bed and sobbed, sobbed for a very very long time. I'm grateful to an understanding mother and a very, VERY good friend who had dinner delivered to my family from over 800 miles away (THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU).

I have this sign up in my room "Come what may and love it" I'm about to burn that sign. I can't help but thinking...am I a bad mom who doesn't deserve another kid...did I screw it up already? Why would this happen to us, how does this happen to people who want something so bad? Then I thought, well, life has been pretty dang easy for us so far, maybe this is our trial. I'm pretty sure I have already failed it with all the horrible thoughts I have been having though.

But my very, VERY good friend did remind me that my poppy seed and her grape were probably best friends in Heaven right now. That made me happy to hear.

I started to read the BOM a few days ago, it's been a big help, and even though I'm not ok with what happened, it's weird to know that everything is going to work out and I'm going to be ok with that.

I am happy and grateful for the things I do have now

- a loving husband and great father to my child

- the perfect child...seriously...he really is perfect

- friends who know what I need and how to help me, even from oh so far away

- a mom who i cant wait to give major hugs to next month

one day, maybe I'll have another perfect child to be grateful for, but I'm sure poppy seed is perfect and that is good enough for me.

Learning to live by this:

I have a hard time doing that. Always onto the next thing, but for now.

I'm learning to enjoy every minute, relishing in every moment that I have.

I think it will make me a more happier person, wife, friend, mother, daughter, sister...etc.

Please help, it would mean a lot to me!

My dear dear friend Megan, She is the sweetest person that you will ever meet. So funny, so loving, willing to help anyone out. She is also the most positive upbeat person ever.

Here is what has happened to her:
Here is a little background info on what has been going on......Sunday night Megan woke me up at 2 am saying that she thought her water had broken. So we checked and sure enough, time for delivery was near. We went to the hospital and got settled in for a big day.

When it was about time for the epidural the doctors did a CBC (complete blood count) and found some abnormalities in the white blood count. Instead of a normal 5 - 10k it was around 40k. We found this odd because she just 2 weeks ago she had a full workup of blood and everything was perfectly normal, she was perfectly healthy as she always has been.

After the test was performed in triplicate and sent all around NY to be verified by pathologists, hematologists and a ton of other specialties I have never heard of I started to quickly catch on the apparent seriousness of the issue. The doctors were not positive but had serious suspicions about what was happening. During this Megan was fighting through a good long labor with her epidural not working (poor girl). They were able to get it working before she started the pushing and it is a good thing because she pushed for over 3 hours. After all of that at around 10 pm a perfect little girl was born and to my amazement she came out with no distortions, blotches or imperfection of any kind.... amazing.... She weighed 7 pounds 3 ounces and was 21.5 inches long. We gave her the name Rylee Hannah Smith : )

Due to the seriousness of the situation the doctors would not let megan rest, even after my appeals to let just sleep through one night, after only being able to hold the baby Megan was rushed off to the Roswell Cancer Institute in an ambulance. That night they performed countless tests including things like bone marrow biopsies...

After all of this they found that Megan has AML which is Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Even after probably the most difficult 2 days i could ever imagine anyone going through, Megan has the best attitude ever and i think i am safe to say she is already the most popular person in the entire Leukemia wing of the hospital.She is cute to begin with but the more drugs they give her she cuter she gets! Megan is awesome and she has a long road ahead and that is why I made this page so that she can see the tremendous support out there for her. I will do my best to do as many updates about her as I can but she will be i treatment for the next year and this first stretch of chemotherapy and treatment will leave her in the hospital for the next month and half.

On facebook they have a page for her and donation pay pal set up to help pay for their medical expenses. Her husband is in Dental school right now and they have a brand new born! Please help out in any way that you can! CLICK HERE

Utter Exhaustion

This is my last week with James.

Brady has not been sleeping well, waking up ridiculously early in the mornings!!! I think it's cause teeth are coming in...I just need a 5 hour quiet nap in AC...heaven!

We are in the midst of packing up our whole house, which is stressful when you can only do it in the evenings after working all day long, the last thing you want to do is pack. Plus we have to decide what we want for the next 1.5 months and what we don't need. That is really hard to decide!!! So we are trying to get everything done tonight after work (not looking forward to that!)

Now I'm just trying to sell stuff so I don't have to pack it, such as:
rice cooker, ice cream maker, purses, ipod touch, hudson jeans (perfect condition), george foreman grill etc. (if interested contact me!)

James Grandma who he adored just died yesterday. So he is headed out to Utah this weekend for her funeral. Which is a little hard for me for two reasons...(don't look down on me for my reasons)
a) that is a lot of money to fork out when we have tons of moving expenses coming up and only one of us will be working
b) James will be gone for a month and a half and this was my last few days with him and I'm losing that :(

So yesterday was especially crappy dealing with the death of Ina and then I missed the bus and had to walk to my car which took FOREVER in the heat and I had a blister on my foot and it bled all over my shoes :( so then it took longer to get to my car.

Don't you just hate those days? Part of me wants this week to be over, and a bigger part of me is sad cause I'm losing my husband for 6.5 weeks! hey, when it rains it pours!

I am blessed

This week has been pretty stressful. Looking for a place to live thousands of miles away is a crazy idea, but it's the only one we can do right now. We got our application in on this house that I loved, were the first ones to do everything (thanks Pam and Eric) and then the guy picks someone else for the house. I loved the house and was so excited, but now back to the drawing board. Due to our crazy circumstances with James leaving in a month and us being apart for 1.5 months life just seems to get crazier and crazier. Then I decide to take on all these projects and B hasn't been sleeping well at all this week due to a cold and other things...so I'm exhausted on top of all that.

This morning as I lay in bed and Brady is laying next to me and is playing the piano on my phone (I don't have an iphone, but no wonder people get these new kinds of phones...they are amazing and so handy for kids). I realized how blessed I am. Brady was pretty sick last night and I had to teach at Relief Society I had two wonderful friends help me out. His other mother ;) held him and cared for him and then my other friend who is a doctor totally did a check up on him and told me what I needed to do for him. I came home and told James how grateful I was for all that help. Then on top of that friends who are asking me to come stay with them when J leaves so I won't have to live by myself and I will have someone helping with B when I have to go back to a normal work schedule. I lay in bed this morning realizing how great of friends I have and how lucky and blessed I am to have this group of fabulous friends around me, supporting me, lending a hand, showering me with love...I feel blessed and grateful for this group of friends here and all they have done for me in my time of need. I know why we ended up here for 2 years and I'm glad we did. It's making my stressful day of a long to-do list, going on just a few hours of sleep, being at work more bareable.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

Thinking about this the last few days:

I'm convinced that someone will always hate you,

and that it shouldn't really matter.

I'm convinced that for every 100-200 people who love you,

there is at least 1 who just won't.

Maybe they just don't understand you.

Maybe they just don't believe in, or are threatened by,

the things you represent.

Maybe they are simply misguided.

Maybe they are just mean.

or selfish.

or just loudmouthed and insensitive.

Whatever it is . . . it really doesn't matter.

Someone always will.

misunderstand you.

neglect to appreciate your efforts.

have an opinion about the way you cho0se to live.

feel threatened by the things you represent.

or just plain HATE you

for one inexplicable reason or another.

But again, it doesn't really matter.

it really doesn't.

the thing I'm baffled by is this. . .

WHY do we (myself included) focus all our time and energy on the

ONE person that is giving us grief?

Why not the HUNDRED who love, support, celebrate and sustain us?

I'm convinced that someone will always hate you,

and that it shouldn't really matter.

_________________________

and in case you haven't heard it a while,

I want you to know. . .

I love you.

I think you're wonderful.

I appreciate your efforts.

I am cheering you on.

I am your number 1 fan.

I think you can, I think you can,

I.think.you.can.

In fact,

I know you will.

mwa!

xx,

me

{thanks nat!}

This is me:

I was on my friends blog (click here) she has the funniest blog! She is such a great writer! She talked about this article (click here) and how our blog life and real life don't match up always. How everything on a blog is perfect, but let's be honest...real life isn't always perfect. I sometimes have to remember this as I read people's blogs and am amazed by their perfect lifes and feel myself get slightly jealous of them and how put together they always seem to be. Sometimes I go home comparing myself to them, but then realize...it's blog life, they didn't put the bad things on there.
So the real me: i have a huge pile of laundry on my couch that is waiting to be folded; i have tons of dishes in my sink; my bed isn't made; I'm always stressed about money; right now trying to find a house in Louisville in our budget is killing me cause we need it in 1.5 months; I'm trying to lose some extra weight to fit into jeans that I wore when James I were dating 4 years ago...just 10 pounds, but I hate working out; sometimes I don't make dinner cause I just don't feel like it; sometimes my husband and I argue; i have tons of scrapbooking that is half done and is like 3 years old and I'm sure my fridge needs to be cleaned out. There ya have it! That is me, all out there for all the world to see!

Happy Mothers Day

I realize this is late (I was in Cali soaking up the sun), but still a Happy Mothers day. I have these three great women in my life who I adore tremendously and am so grateful for their example to me of how to be a great mom.
I am grateful for my own mom always working so hard, being the example and taking us to church every week and showing us how important the gospel is in our lives and sharing her testimony with us.
I am grateful to my grandma who became a member in her early married years without that we wouldn't be members. Who has served 3 mission with my grandpa, who has taught me how to crochet, make great food and is very diligent in her family history!
I am grateful to my mother in law who has included me in the family and makes me feel like a family member. Who is the greatest hostest and makes the best foods. Who always is hillarious and can make you laugh so hard. Who works so hard in her church callings and loves unconditionally.
I am grateful to my many many aunts, friends and the rest of the women in my family who are also great mothers! I have learned a lot from each one of you and am grateful for you who have helped me become the mom that I am! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Puts things into Perspective

I haven't really said

Although it was a horrible weekend. Conference was fabulous. Fabulous, fabulous fabulous! October 09 Conference didn't feel like very much pertained to me (maybe I wasn't really paying attention), but this one...even though I didn't watch all due to taking naps because I was exhausted from staying up all night with B, the sessions and speakers that I did hear...I felt the spirit speak so strongly to me and I can't wait for the ensign to come out and re-read all those talks.
Also I went to natalies blog...and watched this video. I'm going to go home and just hug and kiss and kiss little B some more. If you watch, be prepared with tissues, lots and lots of them. I'm grateful for Easter, for Jesus atonement, for what he has done for us. My cousin talked on it at her missionary farewell two weeks ago. Ill be honest, I haven't felt the spirit in awhile, but when my cousin taked on the Atonement, bam, there it was, there was the spirit that I feel like I have been missing lately. It reminded me how grateful I am in my own life for a kind of re-birth, a starting over, a cleansing. Without that I wouldn't have the wonderful husband I have now, the temple marriage, being sealed to family. So this easter was a good one for me in the spiritual aspect!
Reflecting on the video. Man oh man. I'm sad for what happened to Natalie and Richie, but grateful that it happened in Laie, HI. For those who have never lived there, they will never understand. You have a church college of 3,000 max students. A very small town, it really is one gigantic family. Plus with all the kids there so very far from their families, we all gang together to become one big family. PLUS there is something about the hawaiian/samoan/tongan culture which just brings something very special to add to that. I miss that. Daily, I miss that. So to have so many people that are sooo incredibly caring/so over the top loving/ so helpful, it's a great place to be when times are hard I think (personal opinion).
But Natalie, thanks for the video and the post, to help me reflect on this weekend and realize what was important about it, not the fact that we didn't get great pics, that B didn't do a easter egg hunt, etc. Thanks for helping me to remember what Jesus did for us, how important the savior is in my life, how great our Prophet and his apostles are and what great and amazing things they do for us. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

A Great Cause

{this is from my moms co-worker, they asked me to post this to help out, take time to read it and pass it on!}

Hi Everyone!
I wanted to let you all know about a couple guilt-free shopping opportunities! Woohoo!!! (Guys, don't quit reading! This is a great opportunity to buy something for the women in your lives!) The reason they're guilt-free is because the money will be going to a VERY good cause. A friend of mine has a baby, Daylon, who was born with JEB (I'm not going to spell out the long name but you can read more about it in the newspaper article I've attached). He was only given a year or less to live -- he's now 9 months old. Miraculously he was recently chosen for a new procedure which may provide a cure for his rare condition. Daylon will be the first person in the world with his condition to receive this treatment and will make medical history! But the treatment is extremely expensive!!! You can help make a miracle for Daylon just by shopping! :) So here's what's going on:

* www.servingpinklemonade.blogspot.com is holding an auction April 27th-April 29th and ALL proceeds will go to Daylon. Go to their website and check out all the cute items. Maybe you can buy a bunch of gifts to give away during the year .... birthdays, Mother's Day, Christmas, etc. And get something cute for yourself too!

* I'm hosting a Cookie Lee jewelry party on May 12th and the Cookie Lee consultant I'm working with will donate 75% of the profits to Daylon. Cookie Lee has REALLY cute jewelry. Another great opportunity to buy some gifts and something for yourself! I've attached a flyer that has information about the party or how you can order stuff online if you live too far away or just can't make it that day. If you order on-line have your orders in by May 12th. Oh, here's the website (just in case the attachment doesn't go through): www.cookielee.biz/ConnieAllred.

See, I told you, guilt-free shopping!!! Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like to shop, especially for myself, and even I'm going to buy some stuff!!!

So get shopping! Splurge!! Have fun and HELP MAKE A MIRACLE!!

Also, there's a great newpaper article in the Press Enterprise about Daylon, his family and his condition. It's a great article so check it out. I've attached it to this email, or you can try this link: www.pe.com/localnews/stories/PE_News_Local_W_daylon27.2c58066.html . And here's Daylon's website: www.helpmakeamiracle.org if you want to know more about what's going on.

Thanks everyone! Please pass this email on to everyone you know!!!! Let's all help make a miracle!
-Nancy Nielsen

please post this on your blog too and pray!

My Aunts sister in laws family is battling some hard times.

On March 4, 2010 Max was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia

Please keep this little adorable boy in your prayers and let others know too! I know how much it has helped others, like my friend Natalie to know others were praying for her little guy and to have the words of encouragement, so I'm hoping that we can give that to this family also!!!

Check the blog out HERE

It just makes me so much more grateful for my little man and his health! I can't even imagine going through something like this and pray I never do.

I Love Blogs!

There are a few reasons lately that I REALLY love blogs.

1. I have had a lot of friends going through some hard things, battles with cancer, losing babies (why is that happening to so many people lately), divorces and other things. Blogs have become people's therapy. It has been amazing to feel like I'm on these emotional roller coasters with people and then people I don't even know (like nienie). Blogs really bring strangers so close together and really help us all show love to one another. I know sometimes anonymous people will write mean comments (why i don't let anonymous people leave comments these days), but for the most part everyone writes words of hope to other strangers. It gets the word out so fast about those going through tragedies and really helps us to come closer and to me, really helps my testimony, helps me pray way more and have more faith that people can be nice and loving rather that mean and heartless. I just love how blogs let us into so many people's lives and help us realize that we aren't alone in struggles, that other people go through hard things too and that we are truly loved by many and can show our love to people without it being creepy. Who doesn't love that kind of thing?!

2. Blogs give you connections. So even after James was accepted to Oregon (so proud that after 2 years...our 3rd time of trying we got into both the top schools on your list babe) James still decided that Kentucky would be a better fit for us. Which I'm now realizing is true. I have seen that we are not very far from many of our friends on the east coast and that we are going to have many great adventures road trippin to Chicago, Philly and other fabulous places!!! Anyways, so when I had talked about us going my friend Katie (you should read her blog, she is hilarious) emailed me and told me she had friends going to dental school there and gave me their blog. So I left a comment on the girls blog and asked her to email me. Well hoping that she didn't think I was crazy, she totally emailed me back and was so sweet and even offered to show us around when we go out in a few weeks. I have an instant friend when I move out there and am so thrilled. It's so nice that people due to blogs have become so nice and open and helpful.

Praying for These people

I don't get serious very often on this little bloggity blog, but today will be one of them

I have decided getting older stinks. Nothing bad ever happen to me when I was young. I had my greatgrandma's around for a very long time. Then things started to get a little worse: My nana died when I was in college, my great uncle who was like a grandpa, and a few friends from high school died a few years ago. Then I got married and many friends started to have miscarriages, stillborns and other saddening things happen to them. Divorces, cancer, job loses...you name it, lately it seems like it is happening. I am constantly praying for a friend somewhere and the situation they are going through. What is it about growing up that makes life seem to be so hard. It stinks huh. I am though grateful for the gospel. All things that have happened to my friends, they have all been rooted in the gospel, and seem to come out ok from the tragedy. It could be because we believe that we will be reunited with our loved ones when we die, we are sealed with them for eternity, not just "till death do you part"...really, who wants to just be with those they love for that long? I am grateful for my friends and their strength and their incredible testimonies during hard times, it shows me that no matter what, we can all make it through hard times. So currently I'm praying for these two and I hope you can keep them in your prayers too!

First for Gavin.

In Hawaii we lived in a small community. So everyone knew everyone, and everyone loved everyone. When James and I were dating and engaged I lived in the house right infront of this little family. Their boys would wander over to our house all the time to play, eat snacks and just hang out and watch movies. Don't the Nortons make the cutest kids ever? Anyways. Natalie recently had her 4th boy...if anyone was meant to have all boys, it would be this girl. Gavin is having a hard time. Read here on her blog for more of their story. But please keep them in your prayers.

Also for Michael (on the right)

I love my friend Kally. She was Brady's first second mom. Her and her boys love Brady probably as much as I do. Her brother left for Afghanistan right after Thanksgiving. Recently he was hit by an IED and had lots of shrapnel that hit him. He had his left eye removed, several bones broken in his face and other injuries, he was just shipped to Germany and will hopefully be making it to Washington soon. There were four other men killed in the incident.

My heart goes out to the Nortons, the Hardings and the other families who have lost their sons in this incident. I hope they can feel all our prayers and love and that things will work out for the better!